At the beginning of August, we had family pictures taken with my extended family. John and I decided to squeeze in a mini-session after the main event was over. I finally got to see the images and after I downloaded them, I started scrolling through.
My first thought was , wow, we look good! I look good... (which, like most moms, is a rare thought to have about myself!)
But something made me pause. Go back up and compare the two pictures - look at my neck and arm.
Skinny me, not skinny me.
Same with the ones below.
skinny me
not skinny me
Hm.
Here too.
So what? You might ask - and I'm asking myself the same thing. Why does this bother me? I have some pictures I can share that I look all thin and good in! YAY, right? yeeeessss,
but at the same time, no.
As I have thought about this for the past few days, and tried to put into words how I am feeling about it all, I have come to a few conclusions.
1 - I am not comfortable with being fake. In preparation for our trip, I have been considering hair extensions, eyelash extensions, whatever I can do to feel better about myself. But then what? Where does it end? I'm not saying that doing any of those things is bad in and of themselves. But when it's in an attempt to create a false sense of confidence, it's a waste of money and effort. And it won't ultimately make any difference.
2 - I am done with letting my current body size define me and give me my worth as a person. I have wasted enough time letting my weight control my life. It's time for me to live in the moment. No more will I hold my own happiness hostage until I can pay the ransom of a thin body. I will own my gifts and talents and I will not let a larger body negate everything good in my life.
and 3 - It is time to allow myself to experience life without the filter of my weight coloring each moment. As I have been preparing for the trip we are taking with some good friends, I have been consumed by the thought of comparison between the two of us. And the anticipation of the discomfort of the disparity of our sizes (and age), has incredibly robbed me of a little of the excitement that I SHOULD be experiencing! I have worried so much about how the pictures might look, and how I might feel walking down the streets of France side by side with this sweet friend, that I haven't been fully engaged or felt uninhibited joy about the fact that - HELLO!! PARIS??!! Again!!
I mean, how lucky am I??! I get to go to a place that I have come to love with the man who I adore - and I'm letting my WEIGHT diminish that??
Dumb.
Just dumb.
And it took some photoshopped pictures to help me see that - you know what? I have a great life. And a thinner body changes NOTHING about that.
So, appropriately as we turn the calendar to a new month, I choose to turn over a new leaf - to a place where I can be kind to myself - to feel the fullness of joy in those ideallic moments, and to love myself through those trying moments.
It's about time {wink}
Comments