And you will hear what I feel like right now.
It's as if a rope was strung across the days and I ran blindly over it and had my legs flipped right out from under me - and I am now left lying on the ground with the wind knocked out of me.
I thought about just glossing over this ugly little relapse, and continuing on with my catch up posts. After all, who's to know? When I leave the house, my mask is firmly in place and no one would be the wiser...
But then I went to start writing my next post, and... nothing. There were no words that would come out. Or if they did, they sounded so stilted and flat, that I thought it would be a waste of time to continue (both mine and yours).
Why? What is this compulsion I feel to share this part of me? It is ugly, and embarrassing, and painful.
I felt like I was getting better. Not my normal self, but at least on the way back to her. So to have this crushing backslide has been a bit devastating, to say the least. It feels like I am back to square one. .
While I am deeply saddened to be back in the pit, I am so grateful for the talk that Elder Holland gave at the last general conference regarding depression. Within his words there is a validation of the reality of this affliction as well as great hope and comfort in the promises of the atonement.
It is difficult to admit that I am back in this place.
I don't share this because I want attention or sympathy. But it has always been important to me to keep things real here - to not just put a photoshopped version of my life out there for all to admire. So I suppose that is a large part of why I just take off the mask.
And maybe, it will be a reminder to us all to treat everyone more gently. We never really know what the inner workings of someone's life looks like.
I will continue to seek healing in my life through spiritual as well as medical means. I believe that there will come a time when I will be restored to full health, and until that time, I will keep sharing my story - both the ups and downs. It feels a bit cathartic - and maybe it will serve no other purpose than to help my own recovery. So, hopefully you will be patient with me as I occasionally let it all out here.
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