Days go by.
Laundry gets done, kids get fed. House gets picked up, beds get made. Appointments are kept, bills get paid. The mask is securely in place. I can smile with friends, make them laugh - even laugh myself. I do the things that need to be done. But...
No one knows the secret.
That dark one. The one that makes me feel empty and broken. The one that has me silently screaming inside because I don't even recognize myself anymore. The one that makes me cry every single day. The one where the horrible voices wrap their insidious tentacles around my brain and whisper words of failure and worthless and disgusting. The one that leaves me feeling utterly desolate and alone.
I thought I was on my way out of it, but like an unforgiving undertow, it pulled me back under. And it has been worse than ever.
That's the secret. It stays quietly tucked inside most of the time. Writing this is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
But write it I must.
I'm tired of feeling alone. And I don't want to be part of perpetuating the myth or stigma that accompanies depression or other mental/mood disorders. It's so easy to feel somehow flawed because of my depression. To feel like I'm not faithful enough - or not strong enough - or that I'm simply weak because I can't pull myself up out of the darkness. Or worse -- knowing that some people think that feeling this way is a choice, and that for whatever reason I am choosing to feel this way.
One of the most frustrating things about this struggle is that I don't know the answer when people ask me how they can help or what do I need. Besides medication {which, you'll be happy to know I do have an appointment set in August}, I don't know WHAT I need. Other than patience and love and understanding.
If nothing else, going through this has given me a greater desire to not judge people. To give the benefit of the doubt, and to work under the assumption that EVERYONE is facing their own challenges. No matter how "together" a person seems, the odds are that they are currently {or have in the past or will be in the future } dealing with their own private struggles.
I have glimpses of my old self now and then. I'm able to struggle to the surface for a quick gasp of air. And I know that with help, I will be able to rediscover myself - and when I come through the other side, the colors will seem brighter, and the joy will seem fuller.
The more we talk about this, the greater the empathy we can have for each other, and the better we can understand one another. There is no reason so suffer through our challenges in silence and shame - there is no weakness in admitting that our trials are HARD to bear. {we tend to dismiss our own struggles simply because we see others around us going through unbearable and tragic things, and we think "well, this is not as hard as that would be. so therefore, I don't have any room to complain". But our trials are meant to be OUR trials, and we don't do ourselves any favors by comparing ours to others'.}
I will be continuing to address this topic as I try to share my journey out of the darkness {through medication as well as other means}. But to my friends and family - please know how much I love you, and how much your support and love have meant to me. Bear with me as I try to rediscover myself.
{this post is one I have been wanting to write for a while, but I finally got the guts to put it out there after reading this post written by my friend Becky}
Comments
I want you to know that I am SO proud of you for putting it out there. Recognizing the challenge is half the battle and building your support system is vital for those days when you are more weak and isolated.
For the record, you are endlessly talented. Highly intelligent. Loving, giving and serving. An amazingly mindful mother and spiritual lioness for good. I am grateful to call you friend and learn from your many strengths.
Be strong. You'll get through this, it will pass, one day at a time. And in case you are wondering, my laundry is not done and I'm not even sure when the last time was I made my bed! XOXO
I, too, get you. In my world, I was shattered, broken and invisible. I could not stand it when people told me I looked fine. I wondered how a doctor could put a cast around my brain, cause it was as broken as any limb! If they could "see" the cast, would they care more, judge less, and feel less superior? I, too, had become the living dead.....Outside of myself watching myself fade away. How could no one know?
As you know, it took me years and much patience to get it back together. I love what I learned, who I have become, and the understanding of what really matters to me. You, too, will come out of this on the other side full of gratitude for the lessons learned, the faith that was built and the tender mercies of God our Father whose arms were/are extended always to you... have hope and trust.
I pray that the doctors will be guided in your behalf to lift the darkness and to strengthen your spirit.
Thank you for letting out the terrible loneliness of fear and despair. You are not alone and you are so very loved!
Mom
I am so grateful to call you my friend. I am grateful for the talks that we have had on this and so many other subjects. Know that I am always here for you. I promise to be a sounding board and will not compare my journey with yours (unless you want to compare notes to see how we can slay the ugly beast). I know what works for me won't necessarly work for you and vice verse. But I have no doubt that we will both come out the other side at some point and be so grateful that that part of our life is over, but will also be a little more compassionate and understanding because of our trials.
I've posted this before and I know you like it, so you get it again. I know that you will find your "old self" again and she will be even better than ever!
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the others welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
-Derek Walcott
Love you!
I know I don't fully understand those who suffer from depression and I wish I could. I have both close family members and friends who suffer from this personal battle everyday. And I wish I knew ways to help them, but I don't, so I just tell them all how much I love them and think about them often and I will do anything I can for them. I hope you know you are one of them.
Trust in the Lord. Let the Atonement work for you. You are never alone.