Confiding on Confidence

I don't know if I ever blogged these pictures of Megan...  The story behind them is that she stayed home from school one day, and we ended up at Target.  She spotted the hot dog costume and decided to put it on.  

She then proceeded to wear it around the store for at least an hour.  She would dance and say hello to the little kids.  

She was awesome.  Her confidence was unbelievable, and the she LOVED the smiles and laughs that followed her.  

You would never know that she struggles with her confidence.  She is totally confident in her style choices, and in her inner sense of worth, but put her in a social situation with her peers, and that confidence nosedives.  

It's such a contradiction.  It is hard to watch her struggle.  Especially when there is nothing I can do but pray and then offer advice as best I can.  I only hope that she is able to conquer these insecurities and be able to shine as the beautiful (inside and out) young woman that is inside of her.

Speaking of confidence, and stretching outside of comfort zones...

Colored skinny(ish)  jeans and leopard sneakers.  

I'm excellent at pushing my friends to try new things, but for myself...  jeans and t-shirts it is.

I'm working on it though.  

Up to this point, I have really relied on my "mom uniform" to keep myself invisible.  I have struggled to feel confident enough to try new looks because of my weight.  It is so frustrating when the looks that I like don't work for my current body, and shopping usually ends up with the mean voice in my head berating me for being such a ________ and _________ (fill in the blanks with whatever cruel and hateful words you want).  It's not fun.

In this battle of weight, if I am honest, I haven't  really done all I can do.  I don't know what it is that holds me back.  There is fear of failure, for sure, but is there also an unwillingness to let go of my habits that I haven't acknowledged?  There must be.  And have I been holding on to whatever my mental issues are as a convenient excuse not to change?  

It simply doesn't make sense.  No logic is involved in this.  I know that the weight issue plays heavily (no pun intended) in my depression.  I know that I can't wear the clothes I want at this weight.  I know that I don't feel as good as I could at a smaller size.  I don't do certain things with my kids because of how self-conscious I feel.  Therefore, I should do whatever it takes to change it.  

yet I don't.

sigh.

And compounding the issue, is the worry that I will pass on my own body issues to my daughters.  How do I avoid that?   One bright note though, is that I have recently come to the conclusion that my kids don't see me as fat or whatever, they just see me.  And they accept me as me.  I know it seems silly or whatever, but honestly, I had it in my head that my kids were comparing me to their friends' moms and it was killing me.  Because seriously, for whatever reason, my kids' friends' moms are all these cute skinny ladies who dress great and have their hair and makeup done at all times...  So it was a great comfort to realize that most of that at least was just in my head.

So, maybe that's a start.  As to the rest, hopefully somehow I can manage to find some answers.  Soon.