Today we started swim lessons.

Now, I know that for many, this is not a blog-worthy event.  But hear me out.

Swimming lessons in our family have not been high on the priority list.  There always seem to be more pressing needs and when you multiply swim lessons by 4 kids, it gets pricey.

Every summer, I would have good intentions of getting some lessons done, but it always somehow gets shunted to the back of the list.  I would just avoid the pools, and try my best to avoid situations where my kids would have to swim. That's why I loved our Bear Lake camp outs.  Because the water was so shallow for so far, the kids never had occasion to be in danger.

Anyways.

I decided that I needed to pursue lessons this year for the kids.  We are doing some private lessons with a friend, and it was rough.

My boys did ok.  No real drama.  But the girls - well.  Let's just say that Meg's anxiety issues gave her some problems.  And Sophie...  Sophie had a full on screaming fit for nearly the entire time.

Talk about regret.  Isn't it so easy for us to get caught up in the looking back and beating ourselves up?  I am fully entrenched right now.  I am so sick with guilt that I haven't done these lessons all along.  I am so sad that there is so much fear in my girls.

It is hard knowing that because of MY choices, my kids are experiencing this level of anxiety and trauma.  And I guess that gets to the whole root of my emotions today.  These swimming lessons are in a limited way reflecting my fears that in ALL areas of my parenting, that I am not preparing them adequately.  That because I have neglected essential habits and teachings, my children will suffer.

But now I have a choice to make.  Will I wallow in my guilt and fear, or will I step forward and move on trying to do better...

So like I said.  We started swimming lessons today.

I think I learned a lot.