Evolution

So you know how you find yourself in a situation where you know you don't like it, and you really want it to change; but when that change is looking very possible, you start to get a little freaked out??  - yeah.  That's me right now.

I know what my life is now.  And even though there are a few aspects of it that I'd REALLY like to change, it's difficult to imagine leaving that familiarity.  I'm probably jumping the gun here, things may not change as quickly as they could, but I'm sitting here with a knot in my stomach.  Eventually, our situation is going to be different.  Sooner than later, I hope.  And yet, part of me wonders if it will be as great as I think...


I think that may be a big part of why I sabotage myself with weight loss.  I think that I fear that even if I got to my dream weight, I still wouldn't be okay with myself.  So, I might as well stay fat and not be okay with myself ...at least I wouldn't have to deprive myself of anything...  Hmmm.  I think I may have had a breakthrough.  Are my expectations of what my skinny life will be like realistic?

Let's see, shall we?
In my skinny life, I will look cute in anything I try on.  Probably not really true.  Because, unfortunately, my broad shoulders and large ribcage will not be going anywhere...  However, the reality can be that in my skinny life I will have many more options in clothes.

In my skinny life, I will be confident in any situation.  Again, probably not realistic.  The reality is that I managed to feel inferior in one way or another even when I actually was very skinny!  So, adjusted reality may be that losing the weight will be one less thing for me to feel inferior about.

In my skinny life, I will do more living (i.e. trying new things like kayaking or surfing).  This one I am sad to say is probably true.  I keep putting off adventures until I am thinner.  I don't know why. But, fortunately I can change this before I reach my skinny life.

In my skinny life, I will be happy.  The truth of it is, that I can choose to be happy right now.  (and really I am happy with my life, I'm just not happy with me.)  I can change the harsh and cruel mental dialog that plagues me.  I can choose to see the positive things about my body, and love them/it/me. I'll work on that.

So wow.  That post evolved into something totally different than I thought it would...

I guess the bottom line is that I can't let fear of the unknown keep me from having the life I want.   Just embrace it, and trust that however it turns out is going to help me to grow.

p.s. I know my insecurity is showing, but if you're out there, just leave me a little HI in my comments.  I'm needy like that.