Confidence

I've been walking with a friend for a couple of months now. This week we decided to start running. A lot of my friends are doing it, and a lot of my family is doing it. I thought I should be doing it too.

First day - great. It was fine. I was sore the next day, but nothing too bad. Second running day - I was hurting. And I was dreading my morning workout -- which I had been loving!! After the 2nd running lap, when my friend mentioned some knee pain, I suggested the possibility about NOT running this summer after all. I felt good about it, but I also heard those voices in my head saying, "here we go! she's quitting again!! What a failure. How weak!" And I cried. Right there on the path in the park. Not even just teared up, but full on CRIED for a few minutes as we walked. My sweet friend was full of empathy tears too. What a sight I'm sure we were.

As the emotion subsided, and we continued to walk and talk, we discussed the decision to not run and came to the conclusion that it was more important for us to continue to walk and enjoy it than to push running and dread our mornings (even though I know that part wouldn't have lasted forever)...But due to several reasons, ultimately we felt really good about our decision.

Then girls night. Oh, how I love girl's night! These ladies are my link to sanity and I love them dearly, but they run. Or are on their way to becoming runners. And as I listened to them, I found myself feeling completely insecure about NOT running and feeling left behind or inferior... And not because of anything they said, but because of those nasty little voices in my head that start their mean little mantras... "you're not good enough, you'll never be thin, you are such a loser" And I doubted myself and my decision to just walk and let that be enough.

It seems like a silly thing to get so worked up about, but that lack of confidence in myself and my life shows up in so many areas.

So, how do I gain confidence? How do I achieve self-acceptance? How do I develop the courage to embrace myself - love myself, in spite of my flaws? How do I discover and stay true to who I really am?

I am starting small. I am starting with trying really hard to silence those inner meanies. I do my best and accept that I won't be perfect, and not beat myself down about it all. I will talk to myself like I would talk to my dear friends - with compassion, kindness and encouragement. It doesn't sound like much. But I have become so buried by these horrible thoughts and self loathing, that if I don't make this change, I will be lost to them.

And I don't want that. I do not want to be so bogged down that I cannot engage in my life. I have a great life. But too often I don't engage or enjoy it because of them.

I want to know who I am. I want to love who I am. I want to be brave enough to be just a little unique.

What an amazing gift that would be to myself and to my family...