Self loathing is a terrible habit. I know. It is my habit.

It's all wrapped up in body-image, confidence (lack thereof) and fear.

It's impact is significant. It filters into nearly all aspects of my life. There are many things that I'd love to try, but I let my fear of looking stupid, or of being in front of people in my less than ideal state, stop me.

Biggest hangup: my body. I am significantly overweight. I carry it evenly, and therefore disguise it fairly well, but regardless, that is the cold, honest truth. I'm not going to sit here and complain that "nothing I do works!!!" because to be perfectly honest, I haven't been great at doing anything. And that is compounding the problem. Like many people, daily I start out with great intentions, but midway through the day I get distracted by boredom, or stress, or habit, and I just start munching. And then after giving up for the day, I feel like a total failure and like it's hopeless and nothing will ever fix this problem.

I know ALL the tricks. Keep your hands busy (find a project to work on to keep from eating), drink water, chew gum, etc, etc, etc... Trust me - I have a binder full of tips and tricks. I just don't seem to translate that into action. (I was going to use the word 'can't', but I know that's a cop out. I can, I just don't)

I'm not blogging about this to have a pity-party (too much). But I'm at a point in my life where I want more than this. I want to be more than what I am. I ache for change. It seems such a shallow and frivolous thing to be so worked up about, but truly, this is a HUGE (no pun intended) issue for me! It truly does impact my life deeply and daily.

So why then am I blogging about this? Because I am going to DO something. Whatever it takes. No sacrifice is too great to make for me to feel good about myself. I will not feel picked on when I choose to pass on a treat, or my old dining out foods of choice. I will feel empowered every time I make a choice that leads me towards my goal. And when I slip, I will not throw in the towel for the rest of the day/week. I will start again that moment. And I hope to see real changes that I will post here.

On Monday I will post a "before" picture, and once a month, I will post a "current" picture. Hopefully this accountability will keep me focused. I certainly don't want to post the photos and not see a difference from one month to the next...

Anyways, I think that's enough of that for now. It was very therapeutic writing this. I started in tears, and now feel hopeful about things. Enthusiastic even.

Goal for week of 3/9: Run 3 times, walk 3 times, eat smaller portions (use my salad plates as a way to cut back), & lastly - drink more water!

As I finish this up - I'm considering deleting the whole thing. Why would any of my friends want to read this??? But, in the spirit of keeping it real, I'm going to leave it. Sorry if you were bored to tears, or whatever. I feel better having written it, so I think I'll just leave it.

At least for now. :)