So, here we are now. A full week into January, and we are getting back into the swing of things.
Max and Sophie started back at public school, Bryson returned after break, and Megan will be joining them when the semester changes in a week and a half or so.
It's been a very difficult decision to send them back. I've had to battle some serious voices of condemnation in my head. When you have this vision, or this idea of the way you think something is going to go, and then the reality doesn't even come close to resembling that ideal - it can be a pretty hard pill to swallow. It's so, so easy to look upon this experiment {and by extention, myself} as a failure. Easy for me to call myself a quitter. But I've been trying to be very conscious of those thoughts and voices so that I can put them in their proper place.
I so appreciate the thought that my mom shared with me as I came to make these decisions and was being weighed down by my inner dialogue. She reminded me of the Mormon Message called The Wrong Road. In this message from Elder Holland, the lesson is that the choice of which fork to take was made prayerfully, and that they felt good about the first road they took. When it turned out to be a dead end not far down the road, the boy wondered WHY they had felt good about that choice. The answer is that sometimes the fastest way to know for sure what the right path is, is to go down an obviously wrong road.
My application of this parable to my situation is this: The idea of homeschooling my kids or not has been on my mind for quite some time (since I have in-laws who jumped into it and LOVED it). I had these romantic ideas of interactive learning, and being able to meet my kids' individual needs, all while incorporating valuable life skills. Of course these were all grand and unrealistic ideas of what homeschooling is - but I thought that it would be great to try. So, I went back and forth for a good couple of years. Studying, researching, praying. Finally, through a series of events, and an upcoming major trip led me to make the decision that NOW was the time. Prayed about it. Felt good about it. Did it.
Fast forward a few months, and reality had set in that my personality, my mental struggles, and my natural self motivation were not really condusive to a productive homeschool environment.
So why did I feel good about trying?
My theory is that if I hadn't tried, I would have always ALWAYS wondered if I should have made that choice for my kids. If this thing or that thing would be different if I had only homeschooled when I had the chance... So the fastest way for Heavenly Father to let me know that traditional school would be fine for my family was to let us try the other road for a time.
It's difficult to express this in writing, so I hope it makes sense.
Even knowing that this choice to resume school is the right choice doesn't mean that it's been a smooth, easy transition. There's been some fear and anxiety issues that have come up, and each morning is somewhat of an emotional wringer - and I feel utterly wiped out after getting them to school. But it will get better, and I trust that the things they learn, and the confidence they gain will far outweigh the occasional emotional meltdowns.
And then there are moments like yesterday evening. The morning had been particularly rough, and had me in tears more than once, but it was all resolved, and courage overcame fears. Then after playing some basketball with his dad, this sweet boy came in the house holding a beautiful rose - and he said that it was for all that I do for him. He had been brave enough to go into the flower shop by himself, and buy the rose. I'm so grateful for a loving husband who was insightful enough to recognize a kind way to help Max understand that it is a hard thing sometimes to parent.
Max and Sophie started back at public school, Bryson returned after break, and Megan will be joining them when the semester changes in a week and a half or so.
It's been a very difficult decision to send them back. I've had to battle some serious voices of condemnation in my head. When you have this vision, or this idea of the way you think something is going to go, and then the reality doesn't even come close to resembling that ideal - it can be a pretty hard pill to swallow. It's so, so easy to look upon this experiment {and by extention, myself} as a failure. Easy for me to call myself a quitter. But I've been trying to be very conscious of those thoughts and voices so that I can put them in their proper place.
I so appreciate the thought that my mom shared with me as I came to make these decisions and was being weighed down by my inner dialogue. She reminded me of the Mormon Message called The Wrong Road. In this message from Elder Holland, the lesson is that the choice of which fork to take was made prayerfully, and that they felt good about the first road they took. When it turned out to be a dead end not far down the road, the boy wondered WHY they had felt good about that choice. The answer is that sometimes the fastest way to know for sure what the right path is, is to go down an obviously wrong road.
My application of this parable to my situation is this: The idea of homeschooling my kids or not has been on my mind for quite some time (since I have in-laws who jumped into it and LOVED it). I had these romantic ideas of interactive learning, and being able to meet my kids' individual needs, all while incorporating valuable life skills. Of course these were all grand and unrealistic ideas of what homeschooling is - but I thought that it would be great to try. So, I went back and forth for a good couple of years. Studying, researching, praying. Finally, through a series of events, and an upcoming major trip led me to make the decision that NOW was the time. Prayed about it. Felt good about it. Did it.
Fast forward a few months, and reality had set in that my personality, my mental struggles, and my natural self motivation were not really condusive to a productive homeschool environment.
So why did I feel good about trying?
My theory is that if I hadn't tried, I would have always ALWAYS wondered if I should have made that choice for my kids. If this thing or that thing would be different if I had only homeschooled when I had the chance... So the fastest way for Heavenly Father to let me know that traditional school would be fine for my family was to let us try the other road for a time.
It's difficult to express this in writing, so I hope it makes sense.
Even knowing that this choice to resume school is the right choice doesn't mean that it's been a smooth, easy transition. There's been some fear and anxiety issues that have come up, and each morning is somewhat of an emotional wringer - and I feel utterly wiped out after getting them to school. But it will get better, and I trust that the things they learn, and the confidence they gain will far outweigh the occasional emotional meltdowns.
And then there are moments like yesterday evening. The morning had been particularly rough, and had me in tears more than once, but it was all resolved, and courage overcame fears. Then after playing some basketball with his dad, this sweet boy came in the house holding a beautiful rose - and he said that it was for all that I do for him. He had been brave enough to go into the flower shop by himself, and buy the rose. I'm so grateful for a loving husband who was insightful enough to recognize a kind way to help Max understand that it is a hard thing sometimes to parent.
Comments